Yesterday was the last night we were there at our father’s side of the family. We ended the night having our beloved cousins drive us through the city one one time. It was past midnight. The streets were empty and preparation for leaving is early tomorrow at 7am. but that didn’t matter at all. We wanted to spend the rest of the night talking and staying awake.
“I’m afraid to sleep even though I’m very tired, because I’m afraid if I wake up I won’t get to see you both anymore” - my cousin
Despite how tired everyone were . the sleepless nights . the dinners. The outings. The meetings. The night spent at grandma’s because we may never see her again. the power outage. the beach. the shopping. the talks.
The days were long but they were probably the most meaningful of my entire life. I’ve never felt such care and love.
As much as a i hoped everything was real and genuine, in the big scheme of things that didn’t matter anymore.
Before we left, my dad called asking us to stay longer at his side, while she can go back alone to her side. that we should stay for 2 weeks. my mom being her usual and blunt tempered self yelled into the phone .
made a scene infront of everyone. it was really embarrassing, but it was the most real portrayal of my family. at least that killed the illusion of everything being what i picture how families setting should be. happy going, one caring for another, no arguments/conflicts,everyone getting along etc.
I finally got internet connection. I’ve never been this long without one and so sad my phone had to break on the first few days here .
I’ve currently took the plane to my father’s side of the family. In the beginning, my mom was really against it because this trip was meant for her to enjoy. she didn’t want to see them or have anything to do with them.
now that i’m here, it’s very hard to put things into words. lots of feelings, confusion. i don’t know what’s reality. what’s an illusion. do they really care for me? do they really think of me as their relative? it’s been almost 4 years since I’ve last seen them.
their life is so happy, they all care for one another. they really do care for us. i can’t really tell what’s real. i really hope that this is real though and that i can learn to truly love and care for them as well one day.
the reason we came here to his side of the family is initially to do my dad a favor. to see his mom (my grandma) who’s 90 and probably will die next here. i’m the one who paid for my entire family trip.. so my mom was really angry about my dad for not contributing to the initial flight when he wants us to visit his side too..
however, i feel no angerness coming here. i do and did missed them alot. i thought about them occasionally..
when i visited my grandma, she was crying knowing that her two grandsons have arrived. she was really hunched back so she looked up at me.. in that fragile and old look with tears in her eyes.
i couldn’t help but tear a little despite that i really don’t have feelings. i was questioning what was real.
but during these 3 days here, my heart is starting to change a little.
i thought about a lot of things. about what i want in life. about my thoughts for the future.
one positive thought i’ve been having about the future.. is my thought on marriage.
i don’t know why.. but lately, i have been thinking alot about marriage. about moving on to the next part of life.
i thought about the idea of marriage. what i wanted out from it. and it would mean to me. etc.
Some days, you might feel tired. Like you don’t want to do anything. Want to rest alittle.Want to take a break. Want to do something else.Want to go have fun. Want to take it easy.
I have come to realize that productivity comes in 3 main components.
1. Is the physical capacity to get work done. This is where you’re well rested, and you could sit for long hours getting things done. Opposite of this is when you’re sleepy, tired, and you just want to rest or do something else.
2. mental capacility. This is where you’re in the right moood and mindset. When you just think to yourself “I have to get such and such done today’ and “i must not be lazy’ or “I feel it in me. This is the time I must work hard. This is the opportunity etc” Opposite of this would be ’ I don’t feel like doing anything today’ ‘let’s just call it a day off’ ‘i want to sleep’
3. skill. This is where you possess the skills or knowledge to produce the work you want. so for example, if you want to write an excellent article on something, you have to have first studied or researched, or thought about the topic before hand etc.. opposite of this would be ” when you’re working and you have no idea where to start.. “
Motivation can be an off or on thing depending on which of the three above components are in the right direction. If you’re ‘physically rested’ but ‘you’re just not feeling it’ then motivation is off. This is where I am today. I had enough sleep last night, but strangely, I just don’t feel like getting anything done today. I just feel like doing something else. I wonder why..
Another example is ‘If you’re feeling it (want to get a lot of work done today) “feel well rested” but you don’t possess the skill to produce the work you like, motivation is still not gonna lead to good productivity. this is when you end up in the researching/ or stalling phase.
Question of the day “What do you think of this article? What are your thoughts? How would you combat each of the three components to ensure they are all ‘on’ at the same time?
Writing doesn’t come easy, because you have to find the inspiration or be in the right mood to write. When you force your writing, the quality is not as good and your thoughts may not have accurately been reflected.
During my last 3 days, I was on a tour bus to another part of the country. In this tour bus, one thing stood up to me was the oldest man on the tour with us being the liveliest person. He was pretty much the life of the group. He was taking care of every body and keeping them entertained. He seemed very self-aware and was very considerate of others. For example, he knows when someone is feeling uncomfortable and tries to encourage them. Even as the day of the trip near it’s end, when everyone was to talk about ‘their trip’, one female mentioned gratefulness to this old man.
I agree alot too. When we ate together, he took the leadership role to take care of the group. When I dropped my chopsticks (i’m clumpsy i know), he was like don’t pick it up back up and got the servers to get new chopsticks. He was very fast and decisive in what to do in situations.
On the last dayof the trip on our way back home,when each family were to sing a randomsong, he sang about one ‘where he has lived 65 years of life’ and that his days are near, but he’s has had 65 years of experiences. This is when everything explaining his character made more sense to me. During the entire trip, I was thinking ‘how is this guy so lively? how does he have so much energy and seemed so full of character? the only conclusion i had was that he was rich, so that he was free to be who he was. he didn’t have much to worry and being rich and climbing his ways up has allowed him to be empathic. to understand hardships and to be a caring individual. indeed,later i found out that he was indeed rich. he owned a restaurant here and several other chains.
but at the same time, i feel like there’s something more to him that would explain his behavior. i had a hunch but i couldn’t be sure. until the end.
‘To live life to the fullest, must we live as though each day as though it is the last and be fully present instead of daydreaming and pondering about life’s confusions?”
I think so.. from what he demonstrated and adding my understanding with the song he sang at the end made everything clear.
He knows his days are near his end. His fate is inevitable. He has nothing to lose. He’s already accomplished a lot in life (being successful and all), he’s proud of the journey he’s walked. He’s not asking for more anymore. He’s not thinking about unfulfilled wish or goals he’s still hoping for. He has his significant other beside him who’s probably lived the journey with him. He’s has it all. And the last thing for him is to live his remaining days to the fullest. All the hardships he’s ensured in his prior years are over. Now is the time for him to use what ever remain to live freely.
When one knows their fate, and that nothing can change the fate, and that accepted the fate, one can become free of the burden’s life has placed unessary on you. The worries and confusions about the unexpected or unknown. For him, it was clear what his remaining days meant to him and how he wanted to spent them.
He wanted to be happy and to care for others. He wanted to leave an impression an impact.
For us young ones, who still are uncertain of the future, the part of our life where we’re just trying to get everything set. To find a job, to discover our passion, to find our significant other, to secure an uncertain future, we live uncertainly. Our fate has not yet been determined. but because of this uncertainty, it leaves people like myself ‘confused’ ‘anxious’ and ‘desperate.’ It leaves me trying to create a better tomorrow by working hard towards the vision i see. and because of this uncertainty that this vision will ever come true or not, it leaves me working the more harder to ensuring that it does.
but this leaves me not living the present. i sacrifice alot of immediate rewards and things of great importance. i sacrifice friendship, and focus those time spending them with my family and important ones. I don’t really try to make new friends as i worry that this will just be an additional commitment. i am very selective when it comes to who i want to spend my time with.
but this leaves me.. not willing to experiment or take the risks in life.. leaving me make calculated decisions. and not fully enjoying the full thrill of life. i do feel like i’m missing out, but at the same time, if i want to live the same way like this old man, it would mean i would have to find something more worthile than the future i dream about presently to let me be my fullest self.
Some questions to think about.
“Do you feel that you’re living each day to your fullest?” WHat does it mean for you to live each day to your fullest? What obstacles have you faced that prevented you from living each day to your fullest? How do you deal with them?” Do you want to live each day to the fullest? What meaning would living each day to the fullest do for you?
Finding your inspiration in life is not easy, because I think in all actuality, we don’t actually really know why we do the things we do. We just come up with reasons to do that along the way. Only a few actually finds their true passion. When one finds their true passion, this person is always happy doing what they do and not a moment in their journey do they get discouraged. They understand that discouragements is just part of the thrill and learning process to help them become stronger.
I’ve always been inspired when I see people with great success/success/accomplishments. When I see people perform what they are best at, it really gives me the chills, because it reminds that these people have been through alot of hardship and dedication to get to where they are.
It reminds me that there are people out there who put their sole and heart into something that means a lot to them despite all adversity they are faced with.
For me, I stilll don’t know if blogging or psychology are my passion, because often times I get discouraged so easily. When something is really your passion, why do you get discouraged?
This was in the past. I no longer get discouraged anymore.This will be a second part I will talk about in future articles. It will be how to be one and true with your passion :P
So if something is really your passion,why do you get discouraged doing the things you love?
My mom always say to me that “It doesn’t matter how rich you are or how hard you work if you worsen your health, because you won’t even be able to experience those wealth. Wealth without health is meaningless”
I agree that health is really important. It’s so important that it is in fact one of the most basic/essential need in order for personal progression to occur. Like on Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, health would be one of our most primary need before we can proceed any higher up the pyramid. Without health, you can not really work or function properly. And even if you do succeed and become successful, without health, how can you fully enjoy those things?
It’s raining today, perfect for resting and staying at the hotel.
The last few days have been really exhausting. Pretty much literally slept for only 5 hours each day and most of the day were spent going to places and shopping. Even my foot started to blister..
Right now, I’m just trying to catch up on the blog works. Get everything set up.. and done.. this morning, written an article..
Got rested. Feel better again.. I hope it rains for the whole day today so I can stay inside.. and work on the blgs.